thinking thoughts

Living these moments in a dream of you
sitting next to me can’t last forever when
beneath this jaded illusion is our reality.
I love you to the core and back but can’t
fight for this any longer. How do we say
that what was there is still there but isn’t
enough to go on? Where can I stop time
and stay in our golden days? And every
kiss still sucks me in and leaves me
breathless. Every touch turns my
stomach into nods. But the thought of
you makes me bittersweet. I became us
so much that I left me in the gutter for
dead. So attached to you that I no longer
had a name. My needs defined by your
wants.

Now the “Do I just give up and throw it
all away” circles in my head. The
“Nothing last forever” hunts my daily
existence. The thoughts won’t transform
into words followed by actions. And as
we hang by a thread you dangle the
scissors on the rope. What to do when
all I ever had was you and that doesn’t
exit anymore? “Pick up your luggage
and leave while you still can, that’s what
I would do if I were you.”
Head=Arms=Legs=Move.

2007-12-13T14:35:00.000-08:00

Haven't cheaten and not planning to. This is just another one of those songs in my head.

I'm No Good-Amy Winehouse

Meet you downstairs in the bar and hurt,
Your rolled up sleeves in your skull t-shirt,
You say "What did you do with him today?",
And sniffed me out like I was Tanqueray,
'Cause you're my fella my guy.
Hand me your Stella and fly,
By the time I'm out the door,
You tear men down like Roger Moore.

I cheated myself,
Like I knew I would,
I told you I was trouble,
You know that I'm no good.

Upstairs in bed with my ex boy,
He's in a place but I can't get joy,
Thinking on you in the final throes,
This is when my buzzer goes,
Run out to meet you, chips and pitta,
You say, "when we're married",
'cause you're not bitter,
"There'll be none of him no more,"
I cried for you on the kitchen floor.

I cheated myself,
Like I knew I would,
I told you I was trouble,
You know that I'm no good.

Sweet reunion Jamaica and Spain,
We're like how we were again,
I'm in the tub, you on the seat,
Lick your lips as I soap my feet,
Then you notice likkle carpet burn,
My stomach drops and my guts churn,
You shrug and it's the worst,
Who truly stuck the knife in first.

I cheated myself,
Like I knew I would,
I told you I was trouble,
You know that I'm no good.

2007-12-12T04:44:00.000-08:00

So the only memories I really have from the party are the ones in the pictures my baby took. Had a blast and a huge headache the next day, I definately remember that!

Jaimico and I

.

This was a pic of my baby and I but some one got in the way....

So I got in Herbs pic! Ha!

I like this picture. Jaimico took it.

La china from far

La china gone XD!

Kirk and I

Wendy and Carlos

Homegirl and his girl

I'll say drunk strangers XD!

Me at the end of the night gone in another world, on filed with lots and lots of alcohol

rest of the pics my baby decided to post are in his snapfish album SYKES PARTY 07

songs in my head 33

2007-12-07T12:11:00.000-08:00

His eyes aren't blue but he can still break my heart in a way no one else has ever done it...

Heart-Shaped Glasses-Marilyn Manson

She reminds me of the one in school,
when I was gutted she was dressed in white.
And I couldn’t take my eyes off her,
but that’s not what I took off that night,.
She’ll never cover up what we did with her dress.
No.
She said “kiss me it’ll heal,
but it won’t forget”.
“Kiss me it’ll heal,
but it won’t forget”.

I don’t mind you keeping me on pins and needles.
If I could stick to you,
and you could stick me too.

Don’t break,
Don’t break my heart,
and I won’t break your heart shaped glasses.
Little girl,
little girl you should close your eyes,
that blue is getting me high.
Don’t break,
Don’t break my heart,
and I won’t break your heart shaped glasses.
Little girl,
little girl you should close your eyes,
that blue is getting me high.
Making me low.
That blue is getting me high.
Making me low.

She reminds me of the one I knew that cut up the negatives of my life.
I couldn’t take my hands off her,
she wouldn’t let me be anywhere but inside.

I don’t mind you keeping me on pins and needles.
If I could stick to you,
and you could stick me too.

Don’t break,
Don’t break my heart,
and I won’t break your heart shaped glasses.
Little girl,
little girl you should close your eyes,
that blue is getting me high.
Don’t break,
Don’t break my heart,
and I won’t break your heart shaped glasses.
Little girl,
little girl you should close your eyes,
that blue is getting me high.
Making me low.

She’ll never cover up what we do with the dress.
No.
She said “kiss me it’ll heal,
but it won’t forget”.
“Kiss me it’ll heal,
but it won’t forget”.

I don’t mind you keeping me on pins and needles.
If I could stick to you,
and you could stick me too.

Don’t break,
Don’t break my heart,
and I won’t break your heart shaped glasses.
Little girl,
little girl you should close your eyes,
that blue is getting me high.
Don’t break,
Don’t break my heart,
and I won’t break your heart shaped glasses.
Little girl,
little girl you should close your eyes,
that blue is getting me high.
Making me low.

songs in my head 32

2007-12-06T04:32:00.000-08:00

It's not where I am but it's what i like.

Aviéntame-CafeTacuba

Abrázame y muérdeme
Llévate contigo mis heridas
Aviéntame y déjame
Mientras yo contemplo tu partida
En la espera de que vuelvas y tal vez
vuelvas por mi,
y ya te vas que me dirás,
dirás, qué poco sabes tu decir

Despídete, ya no estarás
Al menos ten conmigo esa bondad
Te extrañaré, no mentiré
me duele que no estés y tú te vas

Amárrame y muérdeme
Llévate contigo mis heridas
Murmúrame y ládrame
Grita hasta que ya no escuche nada
Sólo ve cómo me quedo aquí esperando
a que no estés
En la espera de que vuelvas y tal vez vuelvas por mi
En la espera de que vuelvas y tal vez vuelvas por mi

songs in my head 31

2007-11-30T04:17:00.000-08:00

I'm very happy today. It's friday and I've had a terrible week but my boyfriend has been next to me all these days to give me moments of joy.

I'm A Terrible Person-Rooney

I'm a terrible person (x3)

'Cause I've made up my mind
I'm a terrible person
'Cause I've led her on
And I'm the only one who knows
What I've done to her
Oh yeah, I'm much smarter now
I won't tell her friends before her
Oh, I'm afraid

It's gonna be a bad day come Sunday (x4)

I'm a horrible person
I read her diary
I'm not to be trusted
I told all of her secrets
To all the guys in town
They all laugh and slap me five, oh yeah
Luckily she doesn't have dirt on me
'Cause I'm the cleanest guy
Oh, I'm so afraid

It's gonna be a bad day come Sunday (x4)

Well, I don't think I'll ever be sorry
No, I'm not sorry for a thing I've done
And I don't think I'll ever wake up lonely
'Cause having her around wasn't all that special
I don't think I'll ever be sorry
No, I'm not sorry for a thing I've done
And I don't think I'll ever wake up lonely
'Cause having her around wasn't all that special

It's gonna be a bad day come Sunday (x4)

2007-11-22T15:00:00.000-08:00

songs in my head 30

2007-11-20T04:24:00.000-08:00

I wanna fucking tear you apart XD!

Tear You Apart-She wants revenge

Got a big plan, this mindset maybe its right
At the right place and right time, maybe tonight
And the whisper or handshake sending a sign
Wanna make out and kiss hard, wait nevermind

Late night, in passing, mentioned it flip to her
best friend, it's no thing, maybe it slipped
but the slip turns to terror and the crush to like
when she walked in he froze up, leaves it to fright

Its cute in a way, till you cannot speak
And you leave to have a cigarette, knees get weak
An escape is just a nod and a casual wave
Obsessed about it, heavy for the next two days

It's only just a crush, it'll go away
It's just like all the others it'll go away
Or maybe this is danger and you just don't know
You pray it all away but it continues to grow

I want to hold you close
Skin pressed against me tight
Lie still, and close your eyes girl
So lovely, it feels so right

I want to hold you close
Soft breasts, beating heart
As I whisper in your ear
I want to fucking tear you apart

Then he walked up and told her, thinking maybe it'd passed

And they talked and looked away a lot, doing the dance
Her hand brushed up against his, she left it there
Told him how she felt and then they locked in a stare

They took a step back, thought about it, what should they do
Cause theres always repercussions when you're dating in school
But their lips met, and reservations started to pass
Whether this was just an evening or a thing that would last

Either way he wanted her and this was bad
wanted to do things to her it was making him crazy
Now a little crush turned into a like
And now he wants to grab her by the hair and tell her

I want to hold you close
Skin pressed against me tight
Lie still, and close your eyes girl
So lovely, it feels so right

I want to hold you close
Soft breasts, beating heart
As I whisper in your ear
I want to fucking tear you apart

I want to hold you close
Soft breasts, beating heart
As I whisper in your ear
I want to fucking tear you apart

I want to hold you close
Soft breasts, beating heart
As I whisper in your ear
I want to fucking tear you apart

songs in my head 29

2007-11-08T13:53:00.000-08:00

2+2 will always = 5 in me

2+2=5-Radiohead

Are you such a dreamer
To put the world to rights?
I'll stay home for ever
Where 2 and 2,
always makes a 5.

I lay
down the tracks
sandbagging high
January has April showers
And 2 and 2 always makes a 5

It's the Devil's way now
There is no way out

You can scream and you can shout
But it's too late now

Because,
You're not there
paying attention
paying attention
paying attention
paying attention

Yeah and I needed it,
payin attention
payin attention
payin attention
payin attention

Yeah and I needed it
I needed attention
I needed attention
I needed attention
I needed attention

Mmm Yeah I love it,
payin attention
payin attention
payin attention
paying a-ttention

I try to sing along but the music's all wrong
'Cos I'm not
'Cos I'm not
I swallow my pride but ????
But I'm not
But I'm not
All hail to the thief
All hail to the thief
But I'm not
But I'm not
But I'm not
But I'm not
Don't question my authority, or put me in the box
'Cos I'm not
'Cos I'm not
Go and tell the King that the sky is falling in
But it's not
But it's not
But it's not
Maybe not
Maybe not

songs in my head 28

2007-10-10T15:00:00.000-07:00

A life all mine is what I choose... I just want to be me.

A Life All Mine-Gathering

Razor sharp I cut
The bull from my life
Too blunt your knife
To slay this dreamer

We might be dogs astray
No running line will hold us
So rather kick and kill me
I'll be butchered all the same

No words are spoken
But the world is broken

'Cause I want something
Something all wrong done
A life instead of mere living
Folding crumbling withering oh hell
What difference when working the way

The crown of my work
Is what I shall gain
At the end of my days

Daylight awake to a puppet world
No strings attach to this body of mine
Folding crumbling withering oh well
The punished pushed along the line
All my actions, all my moves
A life all mine to lose

The crown of my work
A life all mine to lose
A life all mine
Is what I choose
At the end of my days

songs in my head 27

2007-10-06T11:38:00.000-07:00

i give you my everything... to bad all i have is dirt

Hurt-Nine Inch Nails

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
I try to kill it all away
But I remember everything

What have I become
My sweetest friend?
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end

You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of shit
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here

What have I become
My sweetest friend?
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end
You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way.

2007-09-07T07:53:00.000-07:00

shhhh.....

Endlessly-Muse

This part of me you'll never know
The only thing I'll never show
Hopelessly, I'll love you endlessly
Hopelessly, I'll give you everything
But I won't give you up
I won't let you down
And I won't leave you falling
If the moment ever comes

It's plain to see it's trying to speak
Cherished dreams forever asleep
Hopelessly, I'll love you endlessly
Hopelessly, I'll give you everything
But I won't give you up
I won't let you down
And I won't leave you falling
If the moment ever comes

Hopelessly, I'll love you endlessly
Hopelessly, I'll give you everything
But I won't give you up
I won't let you down
And I won't leave you falling
But the moment never comes

untitled

2007-09-01T09:59:00.000-07:00

I feel the cold all the way to my bones and no matter how much cloth i cover myself with the cold is still there. The cold comes from me and for me. The cold covers me and keeps me company. The weakness and lack of sleep make me see the demons in me. You are the demon in me...
To open my arms and fly would be too little still. To jump and free myself from life is not enough to carry on. She is everything to me and without her I am nothing. To break from her cycle and be removed from her eyes is my darkest fear. I feel impotent next to her. When she turns to me nothing else exist. Show me compassion, wisdom and creativity. Show me hope, love and happiness. She is perfection in the making. Her porcelain skin is a map of scars the years have granted her. The hair that falls down her back is grace to me. I offer her bruises as wide as her horizons, and cuts as deep as her brown eyes. I offer her sacrifice and pain, my sacrifice and my pain. I give her my heart and she plays catch with it. I give her my thoughts and she flips the channel. She keeps distance but caresses me with her gaze. Her warmth covers this broken soul and sweeps me off my feet. She brings me to this miserable existence and makes me feel. To give into her is tragedy. She is God in flesh and bones. A believe all on her own. I inhale only for her. And I'm not able to find inspiration in solitude. I'm not able to live peacefully in this silence. Sleepless without her by my side. Dreamless in this the darkest of all nights. All I do is wish she'd be near me. She belongs with me. Bleeding out my demons. Crying all my fears. I lost myself at some point of the story. And she brings me that good company misery loves so much....
But you look so blurry and fading out. I'll slave in this life for you, just love me like I love you. Give me what ever part you want, just keep me by your side. Pin me to the wall and keep me still. Hold me down and bring me up with you. Take me to where you reside, where your thoughts begin. Carry me to your eternal freedom, not even this death can keep me from you. Without you nothing is real. Without you is without life. Take me in. Make me yours. I belong to you. Just take me in, just make me yours

something i've been working on lately. i'm finaly trying to go back into my old rutine going to the coffee cup every friday for an hr or so and drinking coffee, eating cake and just having that me time i hate and love so much. i think it's pretty good work... took like a week or two to write it.

songs in my head 20

2007-08-28T15:13:00.001-07:00

this brings me peace

2007-07-02T16:53:00.001-07:00

I went to church on Saturday because my parents make me go. I don't believe in a god or any form of superior entity. I was sitting there and hearing what the pastor was saying. I was giving my own reasoning to his words. By the end of the night I actually felt bad for those people.

Don't get me wrong, it wasn't that i felt superior in anyway. I know u shouldn't feel bad for anyone, i hardly ever do. It's the fact that they are blinded from what's really out there which is nothing. And that's not the worse part, the worse part is that they have created the idea of a horrible and terrifying god in their need for salvation.

The pastor was talking about how god has a plan for when you go out of the right path of justice and his word. In other words he knew this would happen. So i started thinking the obvious, if god knew this would happen then why go threw it all. If, and this is in the hypothetical notion that there is a god in the 1st place, god, according to Christians and the bible, their ultimate book, knows what will happen in your life and what you will do before you are born then why let crocks and psycho killers and "evil" people come to life in the 1st place. We were all made from his image starts to sound freaky. And so if he knew that would happen then he also knew that Eve would eat from the tree and yet he placed the tree there. And so if he knew that making man kind would also lead to his destruction, we do destroy everything in sight, then why make us in the 1st place. A god, that knowing all this, let it all happen just cause he feels lonely and loves it when people praise him and say he rawks.

The idea of such a horrible creature existing and the fact that it brings comfort to some really makes you think there is definitely something wrong with the world.

you hurt so i'll sing you a song

2007-07-02T06:34:00.000-07:00