my best friend started writing this, she also ended it. ijust put the peices together... we get each other soo well... I LOVE U ADDY!!!
Anouk feels her life is perfect. Perfection is the right balance to her. She needs chaos as she needs love.
Anouk, redhaired girl from Bordeaux, France. She was 16 years old when I met her at a café. The first time I saw her she was reading Henry Miller's Sexus and having an espresso. This, naturally, made me wonder about this beautiful girl. How can a young one be interested in such books and drinking that type of coffee? What mind lies behind those stunning green eyes? Is she a perverted girl just discovering the goodness of sex or does she have more than just an interesting book? I needed to catch her attention, I needed her to notice me, I needed her in my life as much as I needed her to need me. I needed to know her. But what to do? Am I good enough for her? Will she see me as I am, a worthless piece of shit? Time past and left me here in my wondering. It forgot to give me a chance to be brave.
I started frequenting the café everyday just to be part of her world. She came to Le Café Louis at 15:30 from Monday to Friday. She always wore her uniform so I assume she came from school. No matter what happened she never glanced away from her book unless it was to drink her coffee.
One day she glanced at me. SHE GLANCED AT ME. Why did she glance at me? What can I possibly offer this girl? Her eyes, her eyes tell the most amazing story. Her eyes were fierce, they pierced my mind like no one ever has, as if she knew me all along, as if she knew I've been observing her all this time. She felt my shame and fear yet she smiled in a forgiving way. She put her book down and stood up very calmly. She approached my table and sat next to me. I still remember exactly what she said: "I've seen you looking at me, I've felt you looking at me. I know you ponder about me and I've pondered about you as well. I've wondered why you've taken so long to talk to me. I've wondered why you feel like you're not good enough to talk to me. I know this is the first time you've noticed me looking at you. You were so surprised I gave you a piece of my attention just now. But I've seen you many times. I've noticed you completely. I know you've been lost in your mind, so lost you missed out on the attention I've given you. I think you've come back to this café at the same time because of me. To be honest, you are the reason I've come back here. This café is not on my way from school. I take the subway and walk 10 blocks just to come here and see you. I know you're wondering now what made you so deserving of my attention. Honestly I don't know either but I'd love to find out. What's your name?"
Anouk feels her life is perfect. The equilibrium is perfection in her heart. On one side she finds love and on the other she finds love. On one side she finds happiness and on the other she finds conformism.
"Here I am standing naked", is what she said to get my attention. "I don't feel like destroying you", was my answer. But when I turned and saw her standing, shivering so thin and fragile all I could think of was hurting her. I stared her in the eyes and slowly walked towards her. Kissed Anouk on her forehead, then her nose, then her lips (always those soft lips) and then her neck. I stopped at her breast as I just had to contemplate her nudity. Gently I toke her to the bed and made her undress me. Then I grabbed her hand and made her touch me, fell me and eventually drink from the fountain of life. I laid her on the bed and twisted her, bent her and broke a bone or two that were in my way as her eyes lite up and became morbid. By the time she came the bed sheets were filled with blood and sweat. Two souls become one, two bodies become one…
Not even close to what happened that day. For the next couple of months we barely spoke and our brief encounters were just to fulfill our bodily needs. She no longer gave me what I needed and the girl in the café reading Henry Miller's Sexus and drinking an espresso was gone. Now she's an idea, a person I once knew and that now I love from far away. I need her to love me, to feel my existence and my desire and love for her. Towards the end I told her my story and she was the witness to my thoughts and dreams. I told her about my daughter and her mother, about my childhood. I told her anything I could just so that I could be a part of her. To be able to stay in her head, in her memory…
The question on how did it end. Like it always does. He falls out of love, she falls in love. Well in this case, he fell in love with her and she fell out of love with him. Anouk just stop caring on how he would react. Oh beautiful girl, what have you done? All she could say was the truth, nothing else could come out of that mind. All of that that she had been holding inside all this time so he would not kill himself. She knew he was weak, she knew anything could destroy him, the touch of a feather could send him straight to the grave. But this time she thought: "I have nothing to lose now. I'm powerful. If he didn't learn with the sweet talk he might as well learn with the punches". And even though she couldn't care less about what he said, even though she knew all it came out of that clouded mind of his was and is a fallacy, a bizarre and opposite way of reasoning, she laughed at him for not being over her. She remembers him as a loser only, a father that does better by staying away than being present. She laughs at his needs to write about them, the great people that have done something important and have a meaningful future, at his sad excuse of a writing, which she thought would be intelligent for him to read what he writes before he publishes another book of his, so maybe he will realize that his life is nothing but a pathetic existence, a useless existence, a waste of space and time. Maybe someday he will grow up, she thought, and realize that this world is better off without him, and it really was. "If I had been you", she said, "I would have killed myself already in the American territory. That's what you wanted, you should have done it." She realized that it's for people like him that the world is a living hell, people that can't see beyond their small penises and fat bodies. He could never get over it or dare to study a little. "Oh, and by the way", she said, "stop doing that job, it doesn't suit you, you're not tough enough, you can't take it." She found him to be a little pansy that cried in his sleep because of what the real people had told him yet he was too blind to see that what had been said to him was nothing but the truth. He lived in denial, philosophy he said, though he wasn't even close. He was far from the truth. He used to seek truth but he didn't seek within himself first so then, perhaps, he would find the absolute truth. He is in a virgin state of mind. He has no purpose. He is useless. He is a dramatic queen. He is an oxymoron. He is a hypocrite. He is a manipulator. But most of all, he is nothing, nobody, not even shit because that's saying too much. He is irrelevant to the world. And you may wonder why now and not before. That has a simple answer: He is no longer loved.
